In Lalalaletmeexplain‘s hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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I’m a woman in my late twenties, with a great career, doing well financially and have a great set of friends. My downfall in life is with men. I have had four relationships in my life, each one of them has treated me with complete disrespect – all refusing to share pictures of me online, hiding our relationship and cheating on me. These men have all had substance abuse issues and have gaslit me financially, despite having good incomes themselves. This has made me develop serious self-esteem issues as it led me to believe I was not a woman these men were proud to be with.
Towards the end of each relationship, I managed to regain my dignity and control by ending the relationship, blocking them, and moving on. However, they always find a way to come back. They always said the right things – telling me how much they regret how they treated me, how they’ve realised what they did was wrong. This attack on my vulnerability led me to giving many chances. I stay with these men until my self-esteem is on the floor, and they eventually choose to leave with no return. Their inability to treat me with any sort of kindness kills me.
I know that I am settling for far less in the beginning of these relationships than I deserve, but my self-esteem is so poor I am torn between the potential of a man and having no one. This is not helped by the fact I have been on dating apps my whole life, but I get zero likes. If I don’t take the men I get, maybe I won’t meet anyone else. How do I get my confidence back?
You have a brilliant career, you’re financially secure, and you have the love and support of good friends. You’re doing well, and I would urge you to remind yourself of that whenever you begin ruminating about how your dating history has made you feel. Give your focus to what is going right in your life. Try to catch your negative thoughts and give them balance. When the ‘I’m not the kind of woman a man wants’ thoughts pop into your head, find a counter-thought that reminds you that you’re definitely the kind of woman that mates want, and employers want, and that not being in a relationship is no reflection of your value to this world. You are valuable and you are valued by the right people.
I understand how the way you’ve been treated by men and the absence of a relationship is making you feel though because I have felt it. It’s what made me start my Instagram page and write my book (the book will help you with this so read it if you haven’t!). It didn’t matter how well everything else in my life was going, if I wasn’t being loved or paid attention to by a man it felt like I was inadequate, lacking, and ugly. Obviously, I was none of those things, but I had been socially conditioned to believe that what men thought of me determined my worth. I had been raised on Disney movies and teen magazines that taught me that I was put on this earth to get married and be a mother and that I had to be picked by a man. We all were. So, it stands to reason that you are placing such significance on men.
But what you need right now is a therapist not a boyfriend. You need to delve into why you want to be validated by men posting you and being proud to be with you when those men don’t appear to be thriving decent humans themselves. They had unresolved issues with drugs, they were the types to treat women poorly, why would you want to be shown off by them? You’re giving so much power to these losers by allowing them to be the deciders of your worth. Take back your power by focusing on you and learning to love and validate yourself via sources that aren’t dick***ds.
The thing that helped me to turn things around was discovering The Law of Attraction (LOA) and Abraham Hicks on YouTube. Listen to that one, and if it doesn’t resonate, search for another one with a title like ‘low self-esteem’ or ‘why can’t I get a partner’ something will come up. LOA isn’t magic, it’s based on the principal that what we focus our thoughts on becomes our reality. If I believe that all men are liars, my brain is going to try to find things to confirm my view and make me right. I’m going to be unintentionally seeking out men who prove my point. Your current thoughts about yourself and men are so negative, you need to break that. Good men exist, and you will find one when you’re ready. What worked for me was coming off dating apps and having a period of complete man free celibacy. It was like a reset. I was in control of being single and it gave me the power to focus on me.
Get off the apps, they aren’t the place to be if your confidence is low. Don’t be disheartened by the lack of likes, you really aren’t alone. You’ve had crap experiences with sh** men, and you tolerated it because you felt like you couldn’t get any better and you were grateful to be wanted. You should try to avoid dating until you reach a place where you realise that you can have the relationship that you want and the love that you deserve, and that someone will be grateful to have you one day. Therapy and a dive into LOA thinking will help you to get there. You are a spectacular buff ting, and you can do better for yourself than any man. Get content with being single, work on you. A healthy relationship will appear without you even having to try, but for now, chase inner peace not men.
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